How to Have Yourself and Others at the Same Time: A Guide to Boundaries and Authentic Connection

A core element of healthy relationships is learning that you can have connection with yourself and others at the same time. Before you can stay fully present with both yourself and the other person, it’s important to first realize that you can truly remain yourself within the connection — only then can you be genuinely authentic.
But what does that really mean?

Most people don’t truly know who they are. They haven’t developed a strong sense of self. You can only be yourself to the degree that you know yourself. You can only be authentic to the degree that you know yourself. And building that self-knowledge takes years of inner work.

For some, a strong sense of self comes more naturally. Their upbringing allowed them to develop a healthy, steady sense of who they are. For others, it simply wasn’t modeled—and so the idea of “having yourself and others at the same time” can feel confusing or even impossible.

What you need to know about boundaries

So how do we learn to HAVE ourselves?
How do we learn to have ourselves and others at the same time?

It all comes back to boundaries.

A boundary defines you. It’s your personal truth—your likes, dislikes, needs, preferences, and limits. By personal truth, I mean your lived experience, inner knowing, and authentic preferences—what feels right to you, regardless of outside opinions.

When you don’t know or honor your boundaries, you might believe you have to give yourself up for someone else. You might feel you need to lose yourself in order to stay connected. And in that moment, you lose who you are.

That’s why boundaries matter so much.

A personal example

When I was younger, I often felt a surge of anger when my sister borrowed my clothes (with my mom’s approval). It felt like a boundary violation. My feelings were signaling a clear no. I didn’t feel seen or considered—no one asked my permission.

Borrowing my clothes felt like she was taking a part of me. And not being asked first was a second boundary being crossed.
So for me, a boundary is: I don’t like sharing clothes, and I don’t like things happening behind my back.

I also find clothes very personal—they’re worn on your body and hold your energy, even after washing. This is just my perspective, but it really highlights why this boundary matters to me.

When Are Your Boundaries Truly Crossed?

It’s not only other people who cross your boundaries—you can cross your own too.

Maybe you overshare personal things that, if you listened closely to yourself, you actually don’t want to share. But the temporary payoff (connection, approval, validation) feels better than pausing and checking in.

You might also push yourself too hard, ask too much of yourself, or override your physical or emotional limits.
These are all examples of self-boundary violations.

It’s equally important to notice when you cross your own boundaries as when someone else does.

A note about external violations:
Other people can cross your boundaries, even when you’ve stated them clearly. What matters is cultivating awareness and tools to respond in a way that protects your selfhood. You cannot always prevent someone from violating your boundaries—but you can regulate your response, reclaim your energy, and reinforce your boundaries when possible.

How to have boundaries

You discover your boundaries by tuning into your feelings. The more attuned you become to your emotional signals and subtle energy shifts, the better you get at recognizing and asserting your boundaries.

Others can attempt to violate your boundaries—but it’s your awareness, inner authority, and response that determine how much impact their actions have on you. In other words: you can reclaim your boundaries and your sense of self even in the presence of boundary violations.

Step two is realizing that you can actually HAVE boundaries.
Many of us didn’t grow up with evidence of this. We didn’t experience people honoring who we are. So we didn’t learn that we can have ourselves and stay connected to others.

Why honoring boundaries is so hard

For those who grew up in families where boundaries weren’t respected—or who experienced enmeshment trauma—boundaries may feel unsafe or impossible.

You might have learned that asserting yourself meant punishment, disconnection, or abandonment. You may have experienced:

A parent commenting on you, criticizing you, or punishing you → incoming violation
A parent withdrawing, shutting down, or disconnecting from you → outgoing violation

These experiences create unhealthy patterns in adulthood, often showing up as anxious or avoidant attachment. In other words, your parent wasn’t unconditionally present enough to let you have a boundary and still stay connected.

An example of enmeshment

If you were enmeshed with your mom, you may have had to adopt her beliefs and preferences to feel safe. Your truth, desires, needs, and preferences weren’t acknowledged. You learned that belonging meant giving yourself up.

In adulthood, this can feel like others “consume” you during interactions. You may avoid expressing your truth out of fear that connection will be lost.

This is also why so many people feel they need alone time to “find themselves again.” Humans are social beings, but when you’ve never experienced someone staying connected and letting you be yourself, connection can feel unsafe. Abandonment can feel catastrophic, so you sacrifice yourself to maintain connection. This often leads to behavior where you try to please others at the expense of yourself.

Over time, this leads to feeling unseen, unimportant, or like you don’t exist. It creates deep suppression and emotional suffering.

How to build the capacity to HAVE yourself and others

One way to strengthen this capacity is through nervous system regulation.
When your nervous system is calm and regulated, you can:

Stay present with your own experience while holding another person’s presence
Respond instead of reacting in conflict
Feel safe enough to express your boundaries

Practical steps include:

Practicing small, everyday boundaries
Spending time with people who honor your limits
Expressing small truths first and building up
Grounding exercises like breathwork or body scans
Micro-reflections on your feelings throughout the day

These practices strengthen your capacity to have both yourself and others without fear or collapse.

Are you avoiding conflict more often than you realize?

People who struggle with boundaries often avoid conflict.
It takes emotional maturity to navigate conflict well.

If boundaries don’t align in a relationship, tension naturally arises. Everyone has a different perspective, and boundaries shift from moment to moment. Conflict is inevitable—but manageable.

Learning to move through conflict in a healthy way allows you to stay connected without losing yourself.

The third option

Any relationship—romantic, family, or work—can hold both people’s boundaries if you look for a third option:
A space where both people’s truths are acknowledged, and a shared alignment is found.
It doesn’t mean you need the same preferences. You can like blue, the other can like pink—and you simply honor each other’s feelings.

Your truth is valid

If you don’t honor your boundaries, you abandon yourself.
Your truth defines you. There is no ultimate right or wrong. Everyone has the right to their own opinion.

Your truth might not be someone else’s truth—but it is yours.
And that makes it valid.

You can trust your inner knowing. You can stay connected to yourself and others by expressing your truth while respecting theirs. And you never need to put someone else’s opinion above your own.

That’s how you build self-trust.
And that’s how you learn to have yourself.

Signs you are successfully having yourself and others

You can say no without guilt
You can disagree while staying present
You feel yourself in your body even when connected
You don’t collapse or overgive to avoid conflict
You honor both your truth and the other person’s truth in the same moment

A final, personal note

This has been a lot of information about boundaries—but it’s truly the key to learning how to have yourself and others at the same time.

This dynamic took me years to see. It’s a big part of why I felt avoidant of relationships and developed a fear of intimacy—the fear of being consumed by someone else and losing myself. It’s a terrifying feeling, and a deeply rooted one.

My hope is that by shining light on this pattern, you’ll be able to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Relationships are life—and the better you become at them, the better your life feels.

With Love, Naomi

P.s. you may also like to read ‘7 Ways to create a strong Sense of Self and WHY you need to do so!’

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