A very important element of having healthy relationships is learning that you can have yourself and others at the same time. It’s an important relationship dynamic to have between you and yourself and between you and others. But you first need to know that you can actually HAVE yourself, so that you can BE your authentic self. But what does that mean?
Most people don’t know who they are and haven’t really developed a strong sense of self. You can only be yourself to the degree that you know yourself. You can only be authentic to the degree that you know yourself. It takes years of inner-work to actually know who you are and to create a stronger sense of self. For some people having a strong sense of self is easier than others depending on their upbringing. It’s not even a ‘thing’ for them to not have a sense of self, they just have it. It’s been there as long as they remember and it’s healthy. But for those who don’t know what it means to have a strong sense of self, struggle to understand that you can have yourself and others at the same time.
What you need to know about boundaries
So, how can we HAVE ourselves? How can we learn to have ourselves and others at the same time?
It has to do with boundaries!
A boundary defines you, it’s your personal truth, your likes and dislikes. When you don’t know or honor your boundaries, you still belief you have to give yourself up for another. And need to lose a sense of self in order to stay connected to someone. You lose who you are in that moment. That’s why boundaries are so important to develop.
For example, when I was younger I noticed a lot of sensation (anger) coming up when I figured out that my sister had borrowed clothes from me (with my mom’s approval). This felt like a boundary violation to me (it still does). My feelingsalarmed me that this is a NO for me. It felt like I wasn’t seen as a person and taken into consideration by first asking my permission.
To me, it felt like she took a part of me by borrowing my clothes. And on top of that I wasn’t asked for permission first. Which is actually crossing two boundaries in one situation. The first is, I don’t like it when someone borrows my clothes and the second is not asking for my permission.
So, a boundary for me is that I don’t like to share my clothes with someone. And I don’t like it when something happens behind my back. And side note: I find clothes very personal because you choose to wear it on your body. I feel like we create a relationship with the item and it starts to have your energy in it. Even when you wash it (my opinion).
Can others really cross your boundaries?
It’s not always about other people crossing your boundaries. You can also cross your own boundaries without knowing. You might share to much personal stuff that you actually don’t want to share if you truly listen to yourself. But the pay-off and the result of sharing personal stuff seems to feel better than even considering if you actually want to share that. It can fulfill a need you are craving and so you share more personal stuff than what actually feels good to you. You can also do too much on a day and ask too much from yourself every day and cross your own limits. It’s equally important to learn and observe when and how you cross your own boundaries on a daily basis.
How to HAVE boundaries?
You know what your boundaries are by tuning into your feelings. The better you are at feeling and learning these subtle energies, the better you are at setting boundaries. Other people can’t truly violate your boundaries unless you allow them too. They can do or say something that violate your boundaries, but it’s up to you to not allow them to do that. In essence you can only violate your own boundaries. But at the same time, it’s also true that there are situations where someone else can truly cross your boundaries even when you set a boundary.
What we need to learn on top of knowing our boundaries (step 1), is the realization that you can HAVE boundaries (step 2). We often don’t realize we can actually have boundaries, because we didn’t experience proof of that yet. If you do learn to honor your personal opinion (and others things that define you) around others, that means you understand that you can HAVE yourself while being around others.
Why are boundaries so hard to honor?
Knowing our boundaries is especially hard for those of us who grew up in a family dynamic where boundaries weren’t honored. And for those who experienced enmeshment trauma. If this has been your experience then you haven’t learnt that you can HAVE yourself without being disconnected to one of your parents or caregivers. Which means your boundaries have been violated multiple times.
There are incoming and outgoing boundary violations. When a parent verbally comments on you in a disapproving way and even punishes you, that is an example of an incoming boundary violation. When a parent withdraws from you like walking away and being dismissive by disconnecting from you, that’s an outgoing boundary violation.
You can have experienced both and these create multiple unhealthy patterns within one’s psyche and plays out in each individual. This also creates the anxious attachment or the avoidant attachment patterns people currently deal with. Another word of saying this, is that the parent wasn’t unconditionally present with the child (or themselves cause it’s all a mirror too) to let the child have a boundary and BE themselves.
To understand enmeshment trauma, let’s say you were enmeshed with your mom. You had to belief what she believed. Your truth, desires and choices had the be the same as your moms in order to feel belonging to her and not be abandoned. Your personal feelings, thoughts desires, truth and needs weren’t acknowledged. You didn’t experience someone to stay present with you long enough to know that you can have someone else without giving yourself up.
In your adult life it still feels like you are being consumed by others during interaction, because you experienced that you can’t have yourself (and so boundaries) and feel safe to stay connected to the other person. And if the fear around having boundaries is big enough you will not share your personal truth and what makes you authentic to others.
This is also the reason why we feel like we need alone time, to be with ourselves and to feel a sense of self. (Naturally we are social species and thrive on being connected to each other ALL the time). We struggle with this because we haven’t actually experienced people staying connected to us long enough and letting us know we won’t be abandoned for being ourselves. Abandonment feels like death to the ego and so we do anything (like giving ourselves up) to stay connected to the people we know and care about.
Why is this pattern so bad? Because it makes you feel like you don’t exist and that you are not important. You never feel seen and it creates emotional torment within someone when you can’t be your authentic self. It creates more and more suppression until you face it…and not a lot of people turn around to look at themselves. They suffer their entire lives and don’t even know it. They don’t even know that relationships and life can feel much different…
How to heal this dynamic?
Experiencing the opposite in relationship is one of the ways to heal this pattern besides being aware of it. In order to heal you need proof that there are people who do honor your boundaries. That you don’t have to give yourself up in order to stay connected to someone. You can HAVE yourself and others at the same time. Your boundaries can exist together with someone elses boundaries at the same time. In the same moment! You can heal this pattern by working on boundaries, authenticity and resolving the fear of conflict.
Are you avoiding conflict more often than you realize?
People who struggle with honoring their own boundaries also tend to avoid conflict. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to work through conflicts with people. If boundaries don’t align within the relationship, then there is a conflict that needs to be worked through. Every person lives a different perspective and so everyone has different boundaries and they can change every day and in every moment. You will not be able to avoid experiencing conflict with people even if you try to do all the right things. If you do experience conflict you need to work through it together.
A conflict can be big or small. A conversation where both people don’t agree with each other can already create tension. And working on how to move through conflict in a healthy way, will allow you to honor your own boundaries and HAVE yourself without feeling like you need to disappear and loose a sense of self.
No matter what type of relationship dynamic you experience whether it is romantic, family or work relationships. Both people’s boundaries CAN be honored and exist at the same time by looking for a third option. A third option is where both people do agree and find alignment within the specific situation or issue. You can also have alignment and agreement if one person says I like the color blue and the other likes the color pink and you honor each other’s taste and opinion.
Your truth is valid!
If you do not honor your boundaries and what defines you, you abandon yourself every time. Your truth is your truth, which defines who you are. There is no right or wrong in this universe. Everyone has an opinion and has the right to have an opinion. What your truth is doesn’t mean, it’s wrong. Maybe it’s not right either, but it’s YOUR truth! And that is valid.
You can trust yourself in your truth. You can have that intimate connection with yourself and with others by expressing your opinion and honoring other opinions at the same time. But you don’t have to belief that what the other person says is true. Or more valid than yours. Cause it might not be. You want to trust your own opinion and what defines you. Don’t put another person’s opinion before your own. That’s how you truly learn to love and trust yourself.
This has been a lot of information about boundaries, but this is THE key to learning how to have yourself and others at the same time. The reason I wanted to share this information is because this dynamic took me so long to see. This is part of the reason I have felt avoidant of relationships and created a pattern which we call fear of intimacy. It’s the fear of being consumed by someone else and loosing yourself in the experience. This is a terrifying feeling, let me tell you that! This pattern goes so deep in the psyche and is a hard one to become aware of.
I hope that by shining a light on this topic, that you will be able to create much better relationship experiences. Relationships are life and the better you are at relationships the better quality of life you will experience.
Until next time.
With Love, Naomi
P.s. you may also like to read ‘7 Ways to create a strong Sense of Self and WHY you need to do so!’
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Written by Naomi
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