Are We Conditioned to Love Others More Than Ourselves?

From a very young age, we are taught—often without words—that loving someone else is one of the most important things we can do in life. Partnership is framed as success. Being chosen, being desired, being in a relationship becomes something to strive for. And when someone is single, it can quietly raise concern, pity, or the assumption that something is missing.

Pause here for a moment. Notice what your body does as you read this.
Do you feel recognition? Tightness? A soft “yes”?

Many of us have learned to place more energy into loving others than into loving ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we absorbed the belief that connection requires adaptation—that if we give enough, love enough, bend enough, we will be chosen and won’t be left.

This conditioning doesn’t only show up in romantic relationships. It shapes how we relate to our children, our families, and even ourselves.

We have been programmed to put more energy into loving someone else—into finding a partner—than into developing a loving relationship with ourselves first. Deep down, some of us believe:
If I love them enough and do what they want, they won’t leave me.

But this often leads to overextending ourselves. Loving someone else should not require neglecting your own wants, needs, or boundaries.

Loving Yourself More Than Others?

There is a deep and often unspoken shame around fully loving ourselves. When someone genuinely enjoys their life, feels confident, and is at ease with themselves, it can be triggering to others. Not because it’s wrong—but because it touches a pain inside them. A place where self-love hasn’t yet been found.

There is no shame in fully loving yourself.
There is no shame in loving yourself more than someone else.

Take another moment. Notice your breath.
Does your body relax—or resist?

There is also no shame in fully enjoying yourself, even if others don’t enjoy their own company. The people who reject you for loving yourself entirely are not the people you are meant to shrink for. They are still on their own journey of learning what love truly means—for themselves and for others. No judgment.

I believe a healthy society consists of individuals who love themselves fully. People who can see their flaws clearly and still choose themselves with compassion.

The Movies

A romantic relationship is not all there is. Yet we’ve been conditioned to believe it is the most important relationship of all—more important than friendships, family bonds, or community. We quietly devalue people in our lives because they are not “the one.”

But there can be multiple “ones” throughout different phases of your life. It changes with each moment. It moves with you. And ultimately, you are “the one.”
You are the love of your life. You are who you have been looking for all along.

We love love. We love the feeling, the anticipation, the happy ending. And of course—we are social beings. Wanting connection is natural.

But notice how movies end the moment the couple comes together.
The end.

Subconsciously, this sends a message: This is it. This is the ultimate achievement. As if once you’re partnered, life is complete. As if a romantic relationship alone should carry the weight of your happiness.

But what happens after the movie ends?

We never see that part—because real life is more complex, layered, and imperfect. Movies temporarily take pain away. And when we carry unresolved pain, we cling to the fantasy. That there is only one soulmate. That romantic love is the most important love.

These are beliefs. And we suffer from them—consciously or unconsciously.

Children who grow up in environments filled with conflict, emotional absence, or instability often romanticize relationships as a way to cope. The fantasy becomes a promise: one day I will feel safe, loved, chosen.

Letting go of that fantasy can feel like a quiet grief. And that grief deserves tenderness.

The Wound

What if choosing yourself and following your own path isn’t avoidance, but actually a sign of health?

Not driven by fear of intimacy or commitment, but by a genuine desire to learn how to love yourself before committing to someone else.

What if relationships—and society—are actually evolving toward this?

You might gently ask yourself:

Am I looking for someone outside of myself to love me?
Do I expect someone else to love me more than they love themselves?
Do I allow my partner to give more to me than they give to themselves?

If so, what does that say about them?
And what does that say about me?

Most people carry THE wound:
I am not loved for who I truly am.

Many parents from previous generations couldn’t offer unconditional love—not because they didn’t care, but because they lacked emotional tools and awareness. And so we keep searching. We try to fill the emptiness through others—especially romantic partners—because we believe romantic love is the most healing love there is.

Romantic relationships can be deeply healing. But they are not the only place love lives. Any relationship can offer love.

Loving yourself first doesn’t mean loving others less. It means loving without self-betrayal.

Acknowledge This First

There is a part of us that longs to be loved by another. That longing is human. Love doesn’t have to come only from within.

And yet, the unconditional love this part seeks is something you can give yourself.

Even when someone else loves you deeply—can you receive it?
Can you feel it?
If not, the wound remains.

This is where the work turns inward. And yes—it’s there. Sometimes just beneath the surface. Sometimes buried deep. This is why shadow work matters.

Relationships, Reimagined

What if we saw couples as two whole individuals?

Two people who remain individual for life. They choose to share space, intimacy, plans, and experiences. They move apart and come back together—by choice, not by need.

Life weaves them together, but they do not disappear into each other.

I believe this is how we create lasting, healthy relationships—where you can meet your own needs, honor your desires, and still share your love for life with another.

Balance emerges when the inner masculine and feminine are integrated. From that place, love flows freely, without arising from dependency.

The love you are seeking from a partner is the love you can give yourself.

And self-love doesn’t start with confidence or perfection.

It starts with staying.
Staying with yourself when it’s uncomfortable.
When it’s messy.
When you’d rather look away.

That is where the feeling of inner wholeness begins.

With Love, Naomi

Sign up for my Newsletter to receive my free guide ‘6 Steps to Emotional Stress Release’.