7 Ways to create a strong Sense of Self and WHY you need to do so!

Do you have a strong sense of self? Do you know what that means? Or how that feels like? Not everyone grew up where they were able to develop a sense of self. Some have it and don’t even realize they have it. Having a sense of self is crucial in life and if you don’t have it, you want to develop a stronger sense of self. It’s important to have a sense of self cause you move through life with yourself. You have a relationship with yourself and it can only be more enjoyable when you know yourself.

A sense of self is how a person perceives themselves. It is an understanding of who they are, their ambitions, what they like and don’t like and what strengths and weaknesses they have. But it goes even deeper than that. It’s a knowing of who you are. A knowing of what your energetic signature is. It’s a feeling that feels like you! And really you can’t put a feeling that feels like ‘you’ into words. But you can learn to tap into this feeling that feels like you every moment of the day when you find it.

Where it all starts…

Unfortunately, due to social conditioning, as we grow up we lose touch of our internal guidance system and so we lose touch with ourselves and what makes us, ‘us’. You can see social conditioning as a default program that consists out of beliefs and behaviors that is installed in you through your parents, family, friends, environment and media. Since we are living in an un-awakened society, most don’t see that what is considered ‘normal’ isn’t actually normal. And so, losing touch with our internal guidance system seems to be ‘normal’.

When we grow up we don’t learn to listen to our internal guidance system. We listen to the external world like our parents and teachers. Of course, when you are young you can’t take care of yourself yet. You have only one option and that is to learn from your parents or caregivers. You don’t know any better than ‘this is the way that it is’.

When you don’t feel seen by your parents, and literally your parents don’t see you and don’t mirror you properly (which is essential for every child), then this is also a key factor why you haven’t been able to create a strong sense of self.

We learn to lose ourselves through not being able to have boundaries and say ‘no’ when we want to say no. Or yes when we want to say yes. Most likely when you weren’t really hungry but you needed to eat your vegetables, you were punished in some way if you didn’t eat your vegetables. Sounds familiar?

This is just one example of not being able to have a boundary. Throughout our lives this happens so often, that it starts to become normal not to have boundaries. They didn’t even exist in our perspective. As if boundaries are even a ‘thing?’ Growing up, you didn’t even realize that you can HAVE boundaries. This is because our behaviors are developed subconsciously. Losing touch with our internal guidance system and also your sense of self happens subconsciously.

How to develop a strong Sense of Self?

Now that you know some of the most common reasons why you might not have a strong sense of self, we can learn how to develop a stronger sense of self. Creating a strong sense of self requires a few things:

Life experience

Getting to know yourself better is an important part of creating a strong sense of self. Nothing else can make you get to know yourself better than real life experience. The older you get the more life experience you will have and the better you will get to know yourself. This is a process and takes time. You don’t have to expect yourself to know who you are a.s.a.p., because you can’t force it. In others words, just do life, see what comes your way and learn from the experience to get to know yourself better.

Authenticity

In order to create a strong sense of self you want to become authentic. You can only be authentic to the degree that you know yourself. Authenticity is about uncovering of your personal essence and express to the outside what you feel on the inside. Every person has a unique and personal essence, purpose, thought, feelings, desires, needs and role in this world. It’s your job to find out which they are. It’s up to you to become aware of what is true for you, what you value and live by that. Overtime this will make you ‘you’.

Authenticity also means you need to be willing to look bad to yourself and others. What is authentic about you, might not be what someone else likes. This will make you look bad to someone and you need to become okay with that. It’s easier said than done!

Becoming more authentic is something that will unfold throughout your life. That doesn’t mean you should wait for it. You constantly want to take inventory of your thoughts and beliefs and question them. And then be brave enough to express how you truly feel and be courageous enough to show your vulnerability. Practice constantly choosing authenticity instead of inauthenticity.

In short, if you want to practice authenticity you want to remember the next few things:

Make the choice to become authentic.
Become aware of your thoughts and beliefs and question them.
Be willing to look bad to yourself and others.
Express how you truly feel and show vulnerability.

Boundaries

Most of us have heard by now that we need to develop healthy boundaries. It’s important for every single human. It’s especially important when you don’t have a strong sense of self. Boundaries are something that fluctuates, it doesn’t always stay the same. In order to know what your boundaries are, you need to learn how to feel again. Most people think they are in touch with their feelings and are not. There is more to feeling than most people understand (yet). But if you tune into how you feel, you can sense if something feels good to you and what not. Based on that indication you can express a yes or a no, which is YOUR boundary and what DEFINES you. This is bringing you closer to a sense of self.

I have found the following questions a while ago which I would like to share here. It may help you get clear on your boundaries and where you are or aren’t honoring them:

Are you saying no when you mean no, and yes when you mean yes?
Are you feeling guilty when you say no?
Are you acting against your integrity or values in order to please?
Are you speaking up when you have something to say?
Are you adopting another person’s beliefs or ideas so you are accepted?
Are you calling out someone who mistreats you?
Are you accepting physical touch or sex when you don’t want it?
Are you allowing yourself to be interrupted or distracted to accommodate another person’s immediate wants or needs?
Are you giving too much just to be perceived as useful?
Are you becoming overly involved in someone’s problems or difficulties?
Are you allowing people to say things to you or in front of you that make you uncomfortable?
Are you defining and communicating your emotional needs in your relationships?

Shadow Work

If you lost touch with your internal guidance system and you want to become clear on who you are, what your boundaries are and what makes you authentic, then you want to commit to a shadow work practice. By having a shadow work practice you learn how to tune into yourself and feel what’s true for you and what not. Feel what your internal guidance system is telling you. And most of all feel who you truly are! You want to integrate the layers one by one that are in the way of being yourself. It’s a practice to connect to your higher self as well, which is more of who you are and a higher intelligence of who you are.

Shadow work is an entire practice and subject on its own. But a very important part of creating a strong sense of self. You can find more on this subject in my other blog(s) or sign up for my free shadow work guide here to get started.

Your Sexual Self

You are created by sexual energy through your parents. Sexual energy is your essence, it’s your true nature. Sexual energy is life force energy from source. And when you get to experience your sexuality in a deeper and healthy way, you will be able to create a stronger sense of self through tuning into your own sexual energy. This is something most people haven’t been able to really tune into. It goes deep, and it’s a spiritual sacred connection between you and yourself.

Sexual energy is something that needs to be practiced and experienced. You can’t understand and embody it from reading a book. But reading into how to connect to your sexual essence, and how to use your sexual energy can help you and activate you. And tuning into your sexual nature and feel it can help you remember more of who you are. It might even get you to feel a true sense of self for the first time!

Note: I don’t mean the primal way people use their sexual energy to experience a strong sense of self. It’s not a ‘doing’, it’s a connection. A true connection to yourself, through the connection to your sexual self, which feels like more of you. Your true essence is hidden within your sexual self.

Less Social Media

When we are using social media often, we are also tuning into someone else’s energetic signature. Whether they have a strong sense of self or not, you are tuning into someone who is not you! They are living a different perspective than you are. If you want to create a stronger sense of self you want to tune out of the external and tune into yourself. You want to do things where you can focus on yourself only. Even talking to someone or watching a movie is an activity where you tune into someone or something else. Instead try to incorporate more activities and moments in your day-to-day life so that you can tune into yourself more often and ‘sense’ yourself. Activities like taking a walk alone, meditation or other activities where you can be fully present with yourself.

Be more selfish

Being selfish is not seen as a good quality in society. So, the moment we learn that being selfish is ‘bad’ we do anything to avoid it. The ego is obsessed about being good and if it’s threated by selfishness, it goes into survival mode. But the selfishness that I am talking about does not mean you are a bad person or you never help out and only care about yourself. We all have narcissistic tendencies to some degree (I know not fun to hear), so don’t fall into the trap of living in your own narcissistic bubble by only doing things for yourself. That’s not a healthy way to live your life either.

Being more selfish is important to create a stronger sense of self. It’s just another way of saying, you can have boundariesand so you can do what you want for yourself and not for somebody else. And realize you will still survive when you do something for yourself ;).

Those of us who are professional people pleasers (PPP’s) and/or are empaths, are the ones who can definitely benefit from practicing being more selfish. An empath can’t always distinguish between their own wants and needs and another person. It’s more challenging to create a sense of self if your sense of self comes from other people. Your sense of self might have been built through your mom, dad, a sibling or your friends. This means you haven’t been tuning into you, but tuning into other people around you. Don’t judge yourself if you recognize this pattern and practice self-compassion. It’s a journey to find your sense of self again. But here is your permission to be more selfish, so that you can create a stronger sense of self.

Creating a stronger sense of self takes time, so approach this step-by-step. New behavior isn’t developed in just one day. You want to commit to practicing the above. Over time you will feel more of who you truly are and you will create that strong sense of self that you are looking for.

Until next time.

With Love, Naomi

P.s. you might also want to check out my other blog that goes deeper into boundaries and ‘having’ yoursel. Check out ‘How to built capacity to HAVE yourself AND others at the same time?’

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